Posted with permission of  doorcountydailynews.com

“What is civility? What does it mean to be civil today?  Is civility in decline? How does civility impact our mental health and the quality of our lives? 

I’m psychologist Dr. Dennis White with your Mental Health Minute.  

These are all questions raised by Dr. P.N.Forni in his book Choosing Civility. And they are questions being asked by ordinary citizens, many right here in Door County, as we see what appears to be a rise in rude, uncivil behavior in most areas of public and private life.  

Minister Kirby Anderson writes, “We seem to be living in the midst of an epidemic of rudeness. Articles in the newspaper document the number of incidents of road rage. And if you doubt that, just try to merge onto a busy freeway and see how many drivers honk their horn or try to cut you off.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. A 1997 American Automobile Association report documents a sharp rise in the use of cars as weapons (people trying to run over other people on purpose). A Colorado funeral director complains about impatient drivers darting in and out of funeral processions. Instead of waiting for the procession to pass, they threaten life and limb while ignoring both law and tradition in their rush to get somewhere.

Rudeness seems to be at an all-time high in airports. There is the story of the man who was angry at missing a flight connection and threw his suitcase at an eight-month pregnant airline employee. 
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Over the next several months, I will be talking about civility, and the work that the Door County Civility Project is doing. You can find more information at their web site www.doorcountycivilityproject.org. But for now, this has been Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.

How can we be better prepared to participate with civility in a public meeting? What’s one of the key skills? 

I’m psychologist Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.

The civility Project of Appleton is responsible for these words of wisdom.  Be prepared. Be mentally and physically ready to listen.

Prep yourself by reading appropriate material and doing research before meetings. Don’t show up only to find yourself lost after the first five minutes, and then scramble mentally to catch up – or just zone out.

Be quiet. Clearly, you’re a far more effective listener when you’re not talking. Sure, it’s important to speak up, but remaining silent the majority of the time can make what you do say more notable.

Focus. Make sure whoever’s speaking feels you are really listening. Focus on what people are saying, and don’t let yourself get stuck on any one point.

Don’t try to answer your question in your own mind while the person is still speaking.

Likewise, conquer your own defensiveness. If someone says something that sets you off, let it go. Move on, and continue to listen to what he’s saying.

This is a challenge to the most mature among us. Being able to mentally process criticism openly and maturely is one of the best moves you’ll ever make. Remember the song “Walk a mile in my shoes”?

​You may absolutely despise the person you are speaking with, but to be a good listener, you must always listen with empathy. It’s easy to let your mind chew on a point of disagreement if you hear something that bothers you.  

Try to see the world through the speaker’s eyes. For more information on civility visit www.doorcountycivilityproject.com.

Until next time this has been Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.

What are the basic rules of civility? How do we practice civility among friends, in the workplace, and with strangers? How do we make it part of who we are?

I’m psychologist Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.

If civility is “polite, reasonable and respectful behavior,” or what we used to call “good manners”, why should we even have to discuss the rules or guidelines?  Shouldn’t civility just come naturally?  Apparently not, when people seem to think it’s ok to bully other people, to attack people personally for their views and to curse or swear indiscriminantly in public? 

The Door County Civility Project has joined other similar movements around the country trying to promote the concept of civility and to teach us a little about how to behave with more civility.  They have adopted nine core principles of civility.  The first of these is “pay attention”.  What, you might ask, does this have to do with civility?  Dr. P.N.Forni in his book Choosing Civility says “Only after we notice the world and the people in it can we begin to care for it and them.”  Every act of kindness is first and act of attention”.  

A young, able bodied person on a bus cannot get up and give a seat to an elderly or disabled person if they don’t see them – by paying attention to their surroundings. Driving too close to someone, driving into traffic with high beams on are two similar examples.  

How many times have you been in a conversation with someone who was obviously not paying attention and not interested in what you had to say?  How did that feel? The first rule of civility is -  pay attention.  Until next time, this has been  Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.