This post originally shared on Door County Pulse, Peninsula Pulse

Choosing civility is putting the principle of respect for others into everyday practice. The core, or center, of civil behavior is respect. Behaviors move along a continuum from this center, the positive ones in one direction (paying attention, being inclusive, listening, the principles being addressed in this column), and the negative ones in the other direction (apathy, passive or active disregard for others, discounting the experience of others, exclusion, discrimination, outright hostility).

Understandably, much is made out of showing respect for others. We are told/taught to respect our parents and our teachers. We talk about respect for authority, for cultural and religious differences, and for the freedom to have those differences. P.M. Forni, in his book, Choosing Civility, Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct, places a lot of emphasis on self-respect and expands on the civil duty of respecting others’ opinions.

You may have noticed that I have not rushed into defining respect. You are right, and the reason is that this is where it starts to get complicated. Conventional ways of defining and speaking about respect take us in conflicting directions. When respect is defined as a feeling of deep admiration for someone, does this mean that we must admire someone in order to respect him? And does its negative corollary also apply?

A second definition of respect is having regard for the feelings, right or traditions of others, such as respect for autonomy or human rights. Is it enough to respect a person’s rights or beliefs while not respecting the person, and vice versa? We commonly speak in terms of deserving respect, earning respect, losing respect, being worthy of respect. We make respect conditional. It is also commonly suggested that respect is solely a matter of following norms and rules of social engagement and living by the Golden Rule.

The matter gets even more complicated when we add the element of respecting those individuals whose values or behaviors we vehemently disagree with or abhor. And we ask, “How can we respect someone who does not respect himself?” I really do not have definitive answers to these questions, and I certainly cannot answer them for you. But I can add another dimension to the conversation. If we can develop a definition of respect as recognition of the unconditional value of a person, we are freed from differential value judgments. Liking or not liking someone is no longer a determinant of respect. Even though developing unconditional respect for everyone may feel unnatural, it is not an impossible task.

Most of us would agree that even when feelings of unconditional respect for a person do not come instinctively, we should still act respectfully. Actions and behaviors are certainly important and not to be discounted. However, social scientists and others insist that actions alone are not sufficient for achieving a genuine attitude of respect. We need both the internal belief and the external behaviors, or we end up leading a life of self-deception.

In a civil society, should anyone be denied respect? I realize that the answer to this question is open to debate. And a civil society welcomes and is equipped to have that debate.

Each month we are highlighting one of the nine principles of the Door County Civility Project. This month Door County Civility Project team member Susan McAninch writes about Principle No. 5: Show Respect. For more on the project or to sign the Civility Pledge, visit doorcountycivilityproject.org.

Have you witnessed a Random Act of Civility? Let us know about it at letters@ppulse.com.

​Over the past year and a half I have given you nine tools of civil behavior, four cornerstones, and examples of civility. I have tried to focus on the positive outcome of civility. If everyone used the tools and practiced the cornerstone behavior, we would all be living in a civil world.

You and I know that this is not the case. Every day we encounter uncivil behavior. When you see more and more of that behavior, it is natural to hesitate about trying to maintain civil behavior in yourself. When a cornerstone of a building begins to collapse, the structure can begin to tilt. This will put pressure on the others. If they, too, weaken, down it all comes. Consequently, it is just as important for us to be able to identify uncivil behavior in order to strengthen our own civil behaviors.

Let’s begin with our courteous cornerstone and understand and recognize discourteous behavior. We are a very mobile society and all of us spend a good deal of time on the road. Courtesy acknowledges that we are sharing this space with many and must act to keep us all save and moving.

Here are some examples of discourteous behavior on our roads. Either going faster than the speed limit or slower. Bicyclists riding two, three, four across the car lane, rather than single file in the bike lane. Tailgating the driver in front of you when you feel that the car is going too slow. Honking your horn multiple times when you need to only do so once. Crossing in the middle of the street rather than doing so only at the crosswalk. Driving through a red light. Not using your signal or not using it in an appropriate time when you are going to turn. Parking your car too far into the driving lane in areas where there is no designated parking. Talking or texting on your cell phone when you are driving. At a stop sign or light not staying in your lane, but using them both.

There are many occasions when we experience discourtesy in our communications with others. Often someone will not let the person finish their thoughts, but rather will jump in and state their own. At other times the person will begin to display behaviors that show that they are not listening. They will check their cellphones for messages, begin to write a personal note, look through their purse for something, begin a conversation with another person, close their eyes, make gestures of disapproval, anger, or disgust, get up and walk out, or make a derogatory comment.

There are lots of other spaces that we share where discourtesy occurs. Friends are walking down a sidewalk and someone comes the other way, rather than making space, the other person is backed off. You are in a waiting line and someone jumps in front of you. You share an apartment with someone and rules have been agreed. One does not follow them by always leaving a mess, not doing the dishes, using the other’s belonging without permission, keeping music up too loud, having friends over at late hours, or not paying their portion of the bills.

At school or work, you are often asked to work in teams. Often there is one team member who does not do what was agreed to or is always late. At many sporting events, some fans in front of you will stay standing, blocking your view, others will carry on a loud conversation with a friend through the entire game, seat areas can be small, but some will move into your small space or keep bumping you in the back, others will yell mean things to their opponents or the referees, and some spend more time getting out of their seat, going somewhere, and back again repeatedly.

How can we be better prepared to participate with civility in a public meeting? What’s one of the key skills? 

I’m psychologist Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.

The civility Project of Appleton is responsible for these words of wisdom.  Be prepared. Be mentally and physically ready to listen.

Prep yourself by reading appropriate material and doing research before meetings. Don’t show up only to find yourself lost after the first five minutes, and then scramble mentally to catch up – or just zone out.

Be quiet. Clearly, you’re a far more effective listener when you’re not talking. Sure, it’s important to speak up, but remaining silent the majority of the time can make what you do say more notable.

Focus. Make sure whoever’s speaking feels you are really listening. Focus on what people are saying, and don’t let yourself get stuck on any one point.

Don’t try to answer your question in your own mind while the person is still speaking.

Likewise, conquer your own defensiveness. If someone says something that sets you off, let it go. Move on, and continue to listen to what he’s saying.

This is a challenge to the most mature among us. Being able to mentally process criticism openly and maturely is one of the best moves you’ll ever make. Remember the song “Walk a mile in my shoes”?

​You may absolutely despise the person you are speaking with, but to be a good listener, you must always listen with empathy. It’s easy to let your mind chew on a point of disagreement if you hear something that bothers you.  

Try to see the world through the speaker’s eyes. For more information on civility visit www.doorcountycivilityproject.com.

Until next time this has been Dr. Dennis White with your mental health minute.

For my fourth cornerstone of civility, I have chosen maintaining a sense of humor. By definition a sense of humor is “the ability to perceive humor or appreciate a joke, the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement, to be amused, to smile or laugh at something funny.”

In general people agree that we all have a sense of humor, and the results of humor-induced behavior are healthy and contribute to positive social interaction. I was once told that one should laugh at least three or four times a day at work and have one belly laugh at least once a week for a positive work environment. Apparently that “gut-busting” laugh engages all 43 facial muscles and the belly, thus exercising them and keeping them functional. Famed comedian Carl Reiner said in an interview on CBS-TV’s “Sunday Morning” that you get more out of people when they are happy.

Unfortunately for our purposes in pursuing civil communication, we need to better define humor.

Often individuals have used humor to hurt, harm, put down, or threaten others. We have heard racial, blond, sexist, ethnic, lawyer, and religious jokes, and probably without thinking have laughed at some. Slapstick comedy has at times been very popular; it was funny to see someone get hit or hurt themselves.

This humor is for malice. The humor I am suggesting to maintain is being called “benign humor.” For something to be funny while it breaks your expectations, social taboos or even personal space, it is benign, not dark, relatively inoffensive, and ultimately non-threatening.

Maintaining this sense of humor, I believe, will help keep our focus on using the tools of civility with the help of the other three cornerstones. I know that some of us seem to have lost our sense of humor. Others have used too much of the hurtful humor.

Here are some suggestions to get back that healthy sense of humor.

First, you need to make laughter a priority. When was the last time you had a good belly laugh? Believe me, it can go a long way to keep you in a positive and happy mood. All it takes is the attitude that life would be better with a laugh.

If you are not laughing much, you can easily put some laughter opportunities in your laugh. There are many comedy shows on TV, the Internet has a many ways that you can find a joke or something funny, there are comedy clubs, and cartoons and comic books. One of my bridge friends gets several jokes a month from her friend and shares them at our games. We all get some good laughs from them.

Second, you can start to laugh at yourself. Our normal approach is to criticize ourselves, let those negative feelings fester until that is all we see in ourselves as well as others. If you let yourself laugh at a mistake or an imperfection, you are taking that step over and over of accepting yourself. This allows you to let go of the negative and embrace the whole person that you are. Others will follow your lead. They, too, can begin to laugh at themselves. Now, in a supportive way, we each can laugh at each other.

Third, you need to use humor in your communication with others. It is good to have a joke or two that you know well to share. Probably the best humor is telling a personal story of an embarrassing moment where you and others can laugh at your humanity. Certainly you can share someone’s story if you have their permission. Often it is great to share a funny happening that the people you are with also were there.

I don’t know about you, but I have always had trouble dishing it out as well as taking it. The words “constructive” and “criticism” constitute an oxymoron to me, a contradiction in terms. “Construct” means “to build.” “Criticism” means “to tear down.” Even with the best of intentions, it’s mighty hard to “build up” by “tearing down.”

Maybe an enlightened definition of constructive criticism would help in its delivery and reception. Constructive criticism is in fact positive, not negative. It is defined as remarks or advice that are useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible solutions. But for many of us, criticism in any form still crushes the spirit and triggers defenses, or just plain hurts.

So, why bother giving constructive criticism, especially when the risks of hurting more than helping seem so high? I think Winston Churchill may have said it best, back in 1939: “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body; it calls attention to the development of an unhealthy state of things. If it is heeded in time, danger may be averted; if it is suppressed, a fatal distemper may develop.”

In a civil society, many people believe that we have a duty, a mandate to actively participate in critical actions and discussions with the goal of improving outcomes. To do any less is irresponsible. This mandate applies to all kinds of interaction – interpersonal, parent-child, supervisor-employee, teacher-student, political, governmental. Constructive criticism is essential to the process of change, growth and improvement in any and every domain.

With giving and receiving constructive criticism being equal parts important and difficult, how do we proceed? I say that we proceed in the same way as we would to pet a porcupine – very carefully. We need to learn to rapid-fire lots of questions at ourselves and answer them quickly. What are my true intentions (to help or hurt)? Am I the right person? Is there truly a problem, and are there other viable solutions? Is this the right moment? What is the cultural context, the receiver’s personality, the nature of our relationship? One question may trump all the others: what good can come of this?

There is an art to giving constructive criticism in a way that encourages improvement rather than defensiveness. It is more likely to be embraced if the criticism is timely, clear, specific, detailed and actionable. Focus on the behavior or problem in question, not the person. In addition to basic communication skills, such as using “I” statements, instead of “you” statements, one technique is particularly useful.

Couch your remarks in terms of future behavior instead of pointing out something negative in the past or present. “Next time, would you please be sure to check with me before you…” And there is always the “sandwich method” of delivering constructive criticism, sandwiching the meat of a criticism between two positive comments.

I think that being on the receiving end of constructive criticism is actually easier to handle than dishing it out. Whether delivered well or poorly, it remains our choice to take or leave criticism. And we retain the right to keep and make our own decisions. It may sound euphemistic, but by adopting an open attitude toward criticism, we open ourselves to personal growth and development, learning things that we are unable or unwilling to learn by ourselves.

We are all “perfectly imperfect” and will notice that about one another from time to time. Whether dishing it out or taking it, the only way to avoid criticism is, in Aristotle’s words, by “saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing.” Not an option.

Each month we are highlighting one of the nine principles of the Door County Civility Project. This month Door County Civility Project team member Susan McAninch writes about Principle No. 8: Give Constructive Criticism. For more on the project or to sign the Civility Pledge, visit doorcountycivilityproject.org.

Have you witnessed a Random Act of Civility? Let us know about it at letters@ppulse.com.